The Saddest One of All

Three years of sessions and my Therapist has yet to shed one tear on my behalf.

Isn’t my story the saddest one of all?

It’s the story of a five-year-old child experiencing both of her parents leaving the physical realm because of a faulty smoke alarm. Well, now it’s the story of a twenty-seven-year-old woman re-experiencing that loss over and over again while recounting it to her friends, family, partner and of course, Therapist.

Isn’t my story the saddest one of all?

I choose to spend most of my fifty-five minutes to talk about how I’m not as thin as I think I should be, how I don’t get paid enough at my corporate job, how all I want is what I perceive to be the millennial dream — working as a barista and freelance writer, how I should be the one that’s generating a following on social media, how everyone else is doing better than I am, how I have all of these visions for what I believe to be the best version of myself. And then, with a few minutes left, I decide that the reason I can’t move forward is because I’m too stuck. Stuck in anxiety. Stuck in depression. Stuck in comparison. Stuck in this whirlwind of emotions that stems from losing my parents a few months before my sixth birthday.

Isn’t my story the saddest one of all?

As I continue to live despite the death that has surrounded me my entire life, I have officially passed the age that both of my parents were before their passing. I continue to come to grips with the fact that there is no why; life is random, chaotic, unfair and raw. And, I continue to come to grips with the fact that it’s okay to keep living. That it’s okay to keep breathing. That it’s okay to keep creating. That it’s okay to keep dreaming, loving, reaching, achieving, trying. Many days I wake up, I fear I won’t make it to the next and will leave this earth too young as I feel was the case for my parents. There are also many days when I feel like I have so much life left to live in this moment and I can only imagine that my parents felt the same.

Isn’t their story the saddest one of all?

Although I have no power to interact with the chain of events that has impacted my life before that very chain got to me, I have learned that I do have the power to change how I see the chain. It no longer locks me in bondage or keeps me stuck. Instead, it acts as a tool to support the load of my life. To support me in my journey.

On this journey, there is more for me to discover and so much more for me to do. I am the daughter of two livers of life whose journey ended earlier than they expected. Earlier than anyone expected. And I am stronger and more resilient than I expected. Stronger and more resilient than anyone expected.

Isn’t my story one of wonder?